Afterdark ramblings

We always think that our neighbor has a better garden than ours. He's always more wealthier too and have better looking wife. We are never content with what we have and we never believe that we are different than the rest. We want to be someone rather than being ourselves. All our life we try to live like someone rather than living the way we want to. We fall for their facade of this is how you should live and end up living a confused life that rarely does justice to our asset - individuality. One of the reasons why facebook is growing like a wild weed is that people are more curious about other people than themselves. It doesn't help me solve the case, does it? replied Sherlock when Watson insisted him on being more social and know more about the world around him.
As we grow up it is assumed that we get more mature. Quite the opposite on social networking sites. Here we do many childish stuff and get away with it by being cool, young at heart and charmingly foolish. The more we see these things happening around us, we loosen our standards of living to fit with the crowd and thereby sacrificing our identity. Reading novels in spare time is considered a grand-dadish act and doing projects on weekends is considered anti-social. We want to show off the good things that we do to the world and bath in the compliments we get in return. We no longer do things for doing them. Doesn't this bother you? Cheating yourself? What'll you pass on to your children? The knowledge you learned from the books or the pics, status' you shared on facebook?
This is my third or maybe fourth anti-facebook post. I am not against it though. It reminds me how my friends used to be and how far the apple has fallen from the tree. After all, man's a social animal. Social and an animal.

P.S. - If you live in mediocre society, you become mediocre. So always find real men to look up to.
By the way, P.S. doesn't meant post script. It's a Parting Shot.

A few grievances

Death: The meaning of life changes when you witness death. I read in Harry Potter, 'for a well prepared mind, death is just another adventure'. But what about the unprepared one? Well, it has a severe impact on your mind and you change. You are no longer the lively person that you used to be. You keep wishing that it's just a dream but you have got to learn to live without your friends who are no more. You can't cry because it won't bring them back. You can't share it with anyone either. All you can do is grieve and stay quiet. People think you are acting weird or being super secretive or too busy. Non existent social life is looked down upon and people form their opinions about you. Not that you care. They don't know your story and the hell you go through every single day. You have to smile but it's not what you are thinking. You greet your friends only to remember that the older ones will never be greeted again. 

It's heavy. Sometimes the mind wanders too much and questions the meaning of existence. It all needs to change. Someday it will. Life is too short and the way we live it matters not for us but for the people who we leave behind. So, be good. Give some reasons to be missed when you will be gone. It's the least you can do. 

AMRI: It's disturbing and heartbreaking. 89 patients in ICU and ITU died as the black smoke filled their lungs. Hospital staff fled from the scene leaving behind ailing bodies attached to life support system. Their relatives could only watch in horror as they weren't allowed to go in by the security on site. They'll mourn for days to come. The government will condemn this tragic incident like the way it has been condemning any other event in the country that had claimed lives of few of it's residents. Compensation of 2 lakh rupees will be dished out to console the families affected. Normality will resume in two years until another incident of the similar consequences pops up. Remember Uphaar?

Football: It's a beautiful game. Sadly it's played off the pitch more than it's played on it. The politics, the money involved in turning players heads, the appalling standards of the officials and equally acerbic attitude of fans towards players from the opposition. Only a handful of players play for the crest that they sport on their chest every weekend, others, sadly play to fill their pockets. Fans are impatient too and the media just adds fuel to the fire and at times has more say in the dressing room than the coaches and managers. I love football. But with the way it's being played these days, I might not.

P.S. - Don't feel bad. You aren't that special.

Zombies from Pune

Pune is the (supposed) traditional capital of Maharashtra and all those who hail from Pune take quite a pride in this fact. Pune tithe kay une. Meaning Pune is so rich and complete in everything that the people don't need anything to complete themselves. They are born complete without Raymonds' help. Hence the swagger. Needless, undeserved arrogance reek through their breath. They undermine every other place in Maharashtra and deem it to be occupied by lesser mortals. When they open their mouth, you can sense the shit that's about to come out of that ugly orifice.
Here are a few things that I find typical in every Puneri ass.
1. Boot licking -
Want something, lick the right people. Want job? Lick the shoes of people who can get them one. Want girl? Lick her shoes till she's flattered or just tell her that their father own a big restaurant in cranky Sadashiv Peth. Want anything else? Lick everyone's feet who can prove useful. Bravo, bitches!

2. Being a parasite - 
If they cook, they cook for themselves and will flinch if someone else asks them to cook more so they can share. It affects their whatever it is. But if someone else has cooked, they hover near kitchen like a stray dog who loiter around a restaurant. They'll ask you politely, "Arey me pan khau ka?" Others being civilized, nod in agreement. Great success! No you dimwit, you are being a parasite.

3. Being a bitch - 
If they hate someone for some reason (his hairstyle, his way of living, his attitude, he being smarter than them, he having more class than them etc etc.) they'll burn from inside and then find someone to bitch about their smarter adversary. "Do you know what he did?" (even if he didn't do anything), "Do you know how he is?"(even if he doesn't give two squirts of shit about them and minds his own business) "Do you know how he eats?". They are pretty good at it.

4. Being a Puneri - 
We all must have heard by now that how Amazon is dwarfed by Mula and Mutha rivers, how rich is the culture on their banks, how awesome is their lifestyle, how Sadashiv Peth is India's very own Vatican city and shit like that. The worst part of being with a puneri ass is they'll compare everything with Pune. Eating something? This tastes just like the food in "Mahesh Restaurant". (Yeah, that's how shitty the names of Puneri restaurants are) Why don't you just shut the fuck up and gobble the food down your filthy throat rather than blabbering about how this cajun pasta tastes like misal in some shady shithole of a restaurant?

This is the class of people that I have to deal with. Hence I prefer to stay in lab or avoid any conversation that can give them an opportunity to act like an opportunistic puneri lizard. That is one of the reason I prefer to stay alone instead of socializing with these narcissist monsters. No offence, but you are those bitches who can never grow up and you'll pass on these virtues to the next generation so they can act like a bitch themselves.

Pune tithe kay une? Well, everything.

It's raining hard

Rain came late. November is a month to buy woolen sweaters and jackets to fend off the chills of winter but nature has it's own ways to laugh at your anticipation of it's actions and out came umbrellas and raincoats.The morning was grey and it feigned evening to perfection. I love this weather. Wet roads, grey sky, people with hands nestled in the pockets of their jackets and cars with dimmers on to make their presence felt from far. Wind just adds spice to the scene and you wish there are few things that you just can't control. So instead of resisting, why can't we just give in? I could see people running to avoid drizzle. I wonder does that make them impervious to rain. I was just as much wet as they were. They looked in denial though, hence a pale effort to take cover. We refuse to accept things. We try to control what's out of our hands and fume over failure in doing so. But then we are humans.

We keep running in our lives, trying to avoid difficulties. For an instance, these days job is sought using contacts and barely flexing the skills that you master over your academic tenure, which can be difficult at times given the competition in the industry. It's sad but a cruel reality. However you shouldn't skip hard work of mastering your trades by focusing only on gathering contacts that can get you a job. Because it's not getting the job that's hard, it's what you'll do with it when you get one. And yet many people who make contacts and get a job through them don't think twice before putting 'Socially active' and 'Smart worker' on their resume. Is this what you seek in life? A path of cowardice under a flashy label of smart work? Competition is what makes you strive for doing better. You have to make your better, better than other's better and that's how you become better. You have to adapt, evolve and be open to changes rather than resisting them and seeking a leeway to get things moving for you. But then again, it's my perspective.

I feel bad for failing to understand people these days. They were never really that good as I initially thought them to be. I failed to notice the glaring dissimilarities and how incongruent our paths were. There are very few people who understand and encourage and that makes me distrust the others even more. I strongly believe that man's not a social animal. His social life is in direct relation with how useful the people in society can be for him. That makes us selfish and twisted. We seek benefits in everything we do for others and I feel terrible. 

Acerbic digs

People fear about my writing. They think I write to take an acerbic dig at them. So far,a handful of people have mentioned to me that they have been warned by others not to mess with me or else I'll lose it on my blog or twitter or any place where I find writing about people will harm their social repute. I wonder why people think that I am evil. I write what I see around me and not everything that I see is good. What's wrong in calling a monkey, a monkey? "Hey, why did you call me a monkey?" Maybe because you are one. You know that. I do wonder, however that why you feel offended when you are reminded of that?
People think what they are doing is cool unless someone points to them the downside of their deeds. They do realize what they are doing only adds new feathers to their cap of hopelessness but find it insulting when someone else mock them for the same. They read what isn't written for them but their conscience put them at the heart of those tweets or blog posts and they start visualizing themselves as the protagonists of my stories and develop a negative opinion about me for I offended and questioned their behavior of which I have no right to.
Well, I do not write for you or about you. So do not read what I write or do not do what you do.

Death

People die. It's a cruel truth that no one likes to talk about. No one wants to die. Everyone thinks that life is for living and that's why an untimely death stirs your emotions more than a natural and timely death. I have seen death. When my granny died, when my uncle died, when one of my best friend died. Today I saw it again. A driver died in a car crash in an Indy Car Racing competition in Vegas.
Here's the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sn08nh7zoto
See it. Mourn over it and spare a moment to think over your untimely death and how will the world remember you if it happened? Appreciate life and people living around you. No one deserves to die. But everyone has to.
When? Science fails to answer.

In your Face(book)

Dear Mark,
I used to be an avid user of facebook. I stopped being so a month ago and I am glad to see the back of it. When I quit, it did dawn upon me that there exist a life that has greater challenges than the ones posted on my wall by some friend, mocking me for he overtook me in the leader board of cab driving. Now that I think about it, boy, do I feel lame.
I quit facebook as real books are proving more informative than the one you created and threw open in public for them to write their daily autobiographies in it. Mark, your invention took my friends away from me even though my profile said I had 968. It's their profile that talked with me in that idiot chat box, it's their profile who commented on my profile's images, liked it's status and even watered the plants in it's virtual farm. However, when I used to meet the owners of these profiles in reality they barely spoke for there was nothing exciting to talk about. Every topic was a Hey-didn't-we-talk-about-that-before as the profiles had already chewed them up and spat'em out like a chewing gum. Do you like eating a chewed up chewing gum Mark? Their real life is taken over by their profile. I don't quite like this.
I couldn't bear the desperate attempts of narcissist people to hog into social limelight by putting their best face forward. Yes, they took millions of smiling pictures to show how cute or cool they look in different moods, clothes, shoes, jewelry, restaurants, cars etc etc. They put their childhood pics to attract attention of foolish girls who speak English with an accent but type that they have a umbrella. I have an umbrella. What about you Mark? (I am sure Harvard Grads have better English than IITans.)
A few days ago a dear friend of mine passed away. People expressed their condolences by scribbling on her wall. Now, tell me how dumb can someone be? Would you like flowers on your grave or a like button?
Another thing that makes me hate facebook is the trend of I like you, you like me.Yes, not liking someone's status that is liked by twenty-odd dimwits is considered a sin. People have often confronted me and demanded an answer for why I did not like what their profile thought was cool and hundred other profiles liked in agreement. These are the profiles that are well mannered like an old Londoner watching a game of cricket at Lord's in virtual life but in reality, the less said the better. Plastic profiles I'd say.
There isn't any element of surprises left in life. Everyone's life has become an open book on which everyone seems to have read, write and execute permissions. There are boys around me who religiously stalk girls(through their profiles, obviously) and read their status to see what's happening in their lives. Then criticize her for being so open only to repeat the feat by doing same the next day themselves.
So I am losing my faith and trust in people around me. What people don't understand Mark, is that through facebook you are earning while they aren't learning(literally). Didn't we used to do things just because we like and not leaving it to someone else's mercy to like? Tell me Mark, will you enjoy playing football in rain or you'd just wish to do the same by putting up a status and comment on comments? Is picture a memory for you or just a profile pic? Would you like to read a book or just facebook?
But then again, what wise men use, mediocre men abuse.

Remember, Real life > Social Life and Facepalm = Facebook.

Regards.

Bruja

Well, that was stupid. I was trying to write a blog about my voyage in New York to impress a good looking girl sitting next to me. Typical boyish behavior. I wrote twenty lines real fast to showcase my dexterity at writing. I wanted to make her feel honored, for a writer was drumming his keyboard next to her. Those twenty lines had a pattern as the previous didn't even make a faint attempt to rhyme with the later. Utter rubbish. But I noticed a movement. All my brain cells, active when I actually started thinking about the topic to write tonight, started to die as the witch tricked me into the illusion of her looks. Like all girls, she took my creativity away and left me with a sinking feeling of failure as I failed to write something meaningful for the eleventh time in four weeks. That Bruja. That good looking bruja..

An erratic fruit punch

Life's complicated. Or may be I am just plain stupid to understand it. I am doing Masters and yet I am not master of anything. Sometimes I wonder why am I doing it? I always wanted to go for higher education and be ahead of the curve. Now when I am living my dream I question my motives behind having this dream at the first place. And it appears that my motives are as selfish as the three lines written so far that have an 'I' just shy of a dozen.

While my parents are proud of the fact that their only son is doing good in a territory that wasn't touched by anyone in the family tree so far, I feel bad because I am learning for myself and I'm earning for myself. Should I do charity and feel good? I did that on traffic signals in India, shelling Rs. 10 when others gave 1 rupee to beggars who were struggling for a day's meal. Yes, it's foolishly romantic but eating cheese and bananas at will at any time of the day while many people in my country struggle to get a one-time meal just doesn't feel right. And yes, I am making very little sense. 

When my friends and I will visit India in December, we'll be treated as heros who just returned from war, victorious. The society does't know the finer details. I know few of my friends will flaunt about their Americanized way of living and feel good about the oohs and aahhs showered by astonished social circle of theirs. I know few friends who'll begin every sentence with 'In America..' followed by futile comparison with the motherland. They'll also try to sound sophisticated ans well mannered using their broken English at the parties hosted for their return. It just feels so plastic. 

How can such people look at themselves in the mirror without feeling that they are kidding themselves? How can you pose as a specimen of successful man when you've referenced your way to your achievements(?). Poor uncle who just congratulated you didn't know you begged for your 'success' to someone who merely passed it on to you. And that your 'success' isn't really earned. I have nothing against few good people who use this chance to improve themselves and really make it worth. Late, yes, but finally they deserve it. But I feel sad for people who rely just on the launchpad of connections and feel they can cheat  hard work. I don't hate these people but I hate the human psych of showing-off. And I hate the Indian psych of showing off what they don't deserve. 

I plan to visit my school and contribute a little in it's centenary celebrations. I also plan to travel with my friends and family. In trains and buses because what I miss about India is it's people. Then I have a wedding to attend. I wish the world ends in 2012. And I hate myself for writing so erratic. 

Getting back

Facebook is a sin to mankind. The only reason I am hooked onto it is because seeing my old friends in India is acts like a pleasant zephyr in otherwise dry weather of Texas. But it's kinda automatic to type 'f' as the first letter in the address bar of your browser after waking up. Gone are the days when praying to god was the first thing I used to do after waking up. I ruminate my past life often and wonder how good I used to be. I once was exciting with loads of cool information to share, sports or news to discuss, planets, satellites to spot at night and of-course, moon gazing. Cycling till lungs cry for air, standing on rooftop and watching sunset everyday, playing with the dog, friends and away from the virtual social life. But it is appalling to see myself hooked onto the laptop and visiting the same web pages and profiles like a lost man in the desert. I don't know what I am searching but I'm pretty much sure that I don't really desire that. Still young, still learning will be a stale excuse after sometime. It's true that we are drifted towards things that we don't need at all.
The week's going to be very busy and focus is the key. Motivation feeds focus. Desires motivate you. Listening to yourself makes you understand your desires. Staying away from society for a change helps you listen to the tunes of life that you are humming. It's all a chain reaction. Maybe today I wrote a fractured article. But I hope this will move the writer's block obscuring my creativity. Yeah, poor use of high end English word is another bad habit that I must get rid of as soon as possible.

Dusting off the cobwebs on the blog

Summer ended, theoretically. Heat is still hot and ground is still dry with a few exceptions of light drizzles that are soaked up before hitting the ground. Typical Texan summer, long and hard. Since I had taken two courses, I could never really enjoy the 'holidays'. Or did I not? New York, Washington DC, Niagara, Austin, San Antonio, Camping trip, Barcelona game and finally Six Flags over Texas concluded my summer. New York was where I always wished to be, DC just happened, Niagara is a beauty to behold, Austin is hip, while San Antonio is romantic and not a place to visit with 8 boys. The camping trip was a soothing experience. We drank, swam in lake, slept on the rocks watching shooting stars and as for the Barcelona game, I ticked one of the many things in  my things to do before I die list. There are very few joys that are more joyful to a football fan than watching a live football game. Six Flags over Texas was a thrilling experience. We rode on every roller coaster thrice or more and while riding you can see your fear die. When you raise your arms when your coaster is doing swirls at 90 miles an hour you don't think about the excess of cheese in your fridge. That pull in your stomach when you take a nosedive from 200 feet Titan makes you sweat and that's fear for you. But you don't stop. It's irresistible so you challenge your fear again and eventually conquer it.
Baah! I enjoyed summer. I did lose one of my best friend in an accident but life goes on. I will miss her. But right now Fall 2011 is what I have to deal with. It's easy to study when good people are around you. When they'll be gone, I'll be left with indecisive people who do everything with a selfish motive behind, people who'll dribble in indoor football to show off their skills rather than passing someone with an open goal at his mercy, guys who'll bitch about other guys for every small thing that they dislike, people who lack understanding, a girl who'll call only when she needs me. Sigh! But after every fall, there's a summer.
P.S. - Lesser the people around you, the better. Choose friends wisely, live well.

Ankita

Dear Ankita, you were one of my really really good friend and words fail me to express my loss. You left us too soon and too abrupt. So all of us are trying our level best to deal with this bolt from the blue. You always cared for each one of us, helped us in our difficulties, listened to us when we kept talking. I have seen death many a times but never really was scared like I am now. You left a gaping hole in our lives. You always said that people take you for granted and they always neglect your care. Few people forgot how you helped them in every walk of their lives and unknowingly made them who they were. I pity them. They could never understand your worth and me like few others are happy to have one friend like you than hundred posers around us. You taught me the value of friendship and now I can't thank you by saying so.
I have been seeing your name in my gtalk list hoping that you'd ping me and ask how am I doing. A part in me died today. I now hope we all learn how valuable friends are and how not to take them for granted.
You'll always be remembered. And as you knew, I can't cry. I'll move on like you said and I'll follow my goals. I cherished every moment spent with you my friend. May god give your family the strength to deal with this loss. And may your soul rest in peace. You'll always be in my heart and thousand others for that matter.

Decline

Since many days I wished to write something that'd make sense. It's been a year doing M.S. and I am watching the new flock of students arrive everyday with an eye of an old, wise man. So every act of naivety performed by them is met by severe criticism. Inside my head ofcourse. But sometimes I feel who am I to judge people? Someone must have been disappointed in me too. People grow up over the course of time. They will too. They'll start finding their ways around difficulties, if not meeting them head on. Girls will learn to wield their power of being a girl as they'll be picked up for social events, lifted their luggage by and done their assignments in time by boys who just can't live their life without them. Life goes on.

I miss wise friends around me like old days. There was always something new to learn from them or atleast an inspiration to do something new and good. I am tired of this plastic reality where how many contacts you make has more importance than what you actually learn and should deserve. Learning has taken back seat and knowledge is a broken toy that people don't play with these days. Fortunately there are a few people whose lives inspire me to study but thousands outweigh the few sometimes. 

Right now there's a girl in my house, an Indian girl who just arrived in USA for her Masters is talking to her friend in loud pitch, fast paced, accent fueled English. Indians still think that talking in English in front of another Indian is the best way to show how civilized they are. Absolute rubbish gossip filled with "You know", "ummm", "awwww", "Cute", "dollors" and stuff that she thinks would make her look cool in our eyes rather than what she wish to talk. Bahh. Who cares?

Inner peace. I'll write something good soon. I so badly wants to.

Expressing love

Thank you mother, for pushing me towards my goals. I hated you a lot for that. But I'm thankful to you in every possible way I can think of. You changed me and kept me grounded. Today, when I saw you, I was crying from inside because I could never express how much I love you because of my ego. I am doing this for you. My dreams are yours mother.
Thank you grandpa, for all those nice bedtime stories and looking after me when I was a kid. Teaching me values, virtues and punctuality. I miss you, old man.
Thank you father, for listening to me and believing in me. You always took my side when mother and I used to quarrel, acted like a pacifier for me. I miss you and I love you.
Thank you Shubhra, for taking my place in the family. My mother would not have been able to live without me if you weren't there to fill the void. She always wanted a daughter and in you, she found one. I don't mind. You express your love for them by jumping around them when they come home from office. You sit beside them when they are sad. You listen to them, you make them happy. Something my ego never allowed me to do.
I was not heartless then, nor I am now. I just don't know how to express love. Today, I feel terrible for all the foolish arrogance and troubles I have caused you so far. I changed and made some wrong choices in life that hurt you all. Mother, you missed and cried for the loss of that old, sweet me who always smiled and never complained, who was brilliant and knew what his goals and ambitions were since kindergarten. I regret those three years of my life which forced me to take decisions I never wished to take. I am sorry that you had to sacrifice a lot for me. I am repaying your faith in me, little by little. I love when you smile and feel proud of me now. I wish I never changed, but then I'd have never known how valuable woman you are to me.
I still can't finish reading the letter you sent me on mother's day. After reading the first page, my eyes get foggy and heart too numb to beat.

A year in United States

The Start:
One year ago, on August 4th, I landed in United States to pursue my Masters. I wasn't the only one, thousands did. I was atleast with one of my good friend. They say everything is big in Texas. Yeah, everything was fucking big. Enormous roads, cars, the green fields, the cowboy stadium. Frantically trying to capture every new thing that passed me on my way to University, I was hit by one thing, patriotism of American people. There were huge flags of United States and Texas flying gracefully atop buildings and with clear sky in frame, they looked majestic. I remembered our treatment of our flags on 16th August and 27th January. But I dropped the idea to criticize Indians further as they welcomed me with open arms, taught me tricks and trades to survive in U.S. and gave important guidelines and that pretty much was the kickoff.
It was disappointing start though. It all looked dull as I missed my family, friends, dog and the girl. But sooner the worries of finding a job to stop leeching out loans from SBI which will stop them leeching my parents' hard earned money began to surface. Finding a job isn't easy in U.S. You need reference, someone to talk to the HR manager about you. For reference you need to lick some butt or have a sex changed to girl. All I had was my ego and the idea of asking someone for 'help' was too ridiculous for it. So I kept searching, at times getting very close only to fall flat and admire the wonders of disappointment. I screwed up my grades, B in all subjects. Agreed that two of them were not important and being so, I never studied for them. But the one I slogged for, professor changed it from A to B. His whims. I didn't feel bad. On the contrary, I was glad that I learned something. Actually learned. That helped me in preparing for my next job's take-home exam. It was tough and I didn't clear it but I tried so hard that it made me happy. You know that "Journey to destination is the happyness" and shit? Yeah, that. Then I decided to work offcampus. I needed money as I couldn't stand the concept of 'Loans'. So I worked in snow, blizzard, under a horrible boss (but a kind man) and then I was called for an interview.
The Interview:
I dashed to my home to take a shower, shoveled a gumstick in my mouth and sprayed Axe all over my body to look good. I sat in my future employer's office, facing him not knowing which is the position I've applied for and what is this interview about. Yeah, I was that clueless. He surveyed me and asked a few questions. I answered them. He asked me if I had brought my resume'. No was my reply and he then lectured me for half an hour on how to be a professional and act like one. He was disappointed in my less than professional approach. I swallowed disappointment of rejection and resumed normal routine. I was rejected not because I didn't know my stuff. I was ejected as I was too casual and cool for an interview. But, after a few days he called me again. I sat in office, now knowing what that interview will be about. He asked me if there was going to be any change in my answers that I gave last time. No was my reply. He was less than impressed and asked, "What did you learn from the last interview then?" "Well, I have my resume' now."  He took me upstairs and gave me the job. My tuition fee is now halved and I earn $1300 a month. Was I lucky, yes. But did I try? More than most as I didn't beg anyone for reference. My ego lived happily. And the smile in mother's eyes was worth more than any riches.
The Trip:
On my birthday, no one called me but one of my good friend. Well, she and I then didn't speak for two months then. I did something that I didn't mean to, atleast so soon. She being a girl acted like one and threw me out of her world like we throw an over-chewed boomer gum. So I needed a break from all that lousy ass soap opera going in my head to convince the angry lady, sing a song for her and make yourself appear stupid and desperate. My aunt, sister, mama and my bhabhi-to-be were going to visit my brother in New York. I seized my chance and boarded a one way plane to NYC. My first step was in Times Square and I forgot every worries of mortal world. I enjoyed every moment of that trip. After New York, Washington DC and finally a soul stirring experience at the Niagara. When the cold water of Niagara slapped my face, I was reminded that life doesn't revolve around people, it revolves around you. No, this is not what I thought when I was standing under the fall. I was blank for five full minutes, no external sound could penetrate my state of mind. I was with myself, alone. And that was bliss. I changed when I returned from the trip. I no longer save money. I spend it on anything I like. I have developed a fetish for travelling. And I no longer see U.S. as a place to study, earn and go back to India and wield your NRI tag in front of drooling girls and their moms. I am a tourist now. Someone I always wanted to be.
The now:
I patched up with my friend but lost a chunk of charm in our friendship. But that taught me a lesson. You can't always care too much for people. Even if you are absent from their lives, they seek refuge under someone else. I then went out on camping trips. Drank beer and usually people dance after drinking, I watched shooting stars with few really good people who are different, just like my friends in college and colony. Everyone has something to teach you and I admire them, respect them. Sure, with a girl spotting the shooting stars by lakeside would be a lover's dream but with good people, you talk about ambitions. Again the next weekend I explored San Antonio and Austin and reaffirmed my belief that U.S. = Texas + whatever. I changed. I get awesome grades but I know how meaningless they are. I now learn for I enjoy it. I am now a calm person who enjoys a lot but doesn't give two squirts of shit about what happened in the past. People who stayed with me are free to do the same, people who left me are free to continue their journey without me. Help, as Dumbledore said, will be given to those who deserve it. But I won't beg anyone to let me help them in their troubles. No more Mr. Nice guy. Only Mr. Tourist.

Day 1: Realization

What you wish for is often what you do not truly want. Like I never wanted many things that I was wishing for. I was getting possessive. Possessiveness brings out the evil in you and you slowly forget why you wished it to begin with. You get edgy and you forget how to enjoy life. Every moment passes you by and you live it, physically. Mentally, you are plotting how to posses something that you are very possessive about. I decided, to let it go. Talked with a few sensible people whom I can trust and who are wiser than me. I like to be controlled by someone. Mum always did. I hated her for that but she is the reason why I don't smoke and still have kept my dreams alive. My wife would love it, controlling me. Yeah, I can imagine that. But girl is not everything in your life. Romance doesn't teach you android or complexity of binary search. That was the realization.
Finally watched Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara. Nice movie, wayward, but nice. I would have slapped my fiance if she'd have dropped in on my bachelor getaway. Living the moment is what I learned. "Kyon hai koi aah dabi, shola jo bhadake, bhadakane do" Indeed.
During a game of raquetball today, I mocked Arjun for I was 4-0 up. He went on to to lead me 9-14. I remembered a lesson that was a part of my Marathi subject in 9th standard. It was a lesson in badminton and the protagonist, Prakash padukone was also in the exact situation against his opponent. He said "I focused on every point and made sure that the shuttle doesn't fall down in my court". I focused and I won. The point is, focus is not such a hard thing to do afterall. And when you focus, you win.
Live life large and grand. You will die someday. Make sure you die content and happy. Let's see what tomorrow brings.

Erratic love story

"Let me go, please." she said, weeping.
He rested the gun barrel against her temple. "Why should I?"
"Didn't you love me?" she was now terrified.
"Yup, I did." He said cheerfully. And then pulled the trigger.
*Bam*

I dream of me

We all have dreams. Some dream to be an astronaut, some wish to excel in sports while some wish to be scientists. But like an american moves on in a relationship, we move on too. Leaving our dreams behind. When we are kids, we are oblivious to everything around us. We are shaped in a methodical way that the society decides is perfect for us. Perfection in an Indian society usually means being a wealthy doctor or an engineer. Everything else is looked down upon, ridiculed and deemed worthless. And we Indian children do not resist what is laden onto our shoulders. Parents ask us to choose a career path we love and later that path is narrowed down by them to only two obvious, tried-and-tested choices. We go with engineering. Cheap, easy to get into good/decent colleges, easy to pass out, easy to get job. Easy life.
The struggles for an easy life dates back to the day we enter 10th grade. Everything that we enjoyed, the video game, TV remote, comic books are held hostage by our parents. "This is the most important year of your life" they say with a grimace. "This is the most important year of your life" is preached again after two years. After few entrance exams, we are a welcome addition to a politician's engineering college.  Finally. Our parents feel proud. They say "My kid is living his dream". But is that his dream? He's too stupid to think too. He has already seen a pretty girl in college. Engineering was his dream after all. After four years we have a tag. Few people enthusiastically put I am finally Er something something as their status. We bask in the glory of our achievement. We feel proud for fulfilling our childhood dream. Jobs are looming over the horizon now and we get one too. Everyone around you is so happy that you forget to ask yourself if you are happy.
Monotonous but mandatory job training starts. We desperately hope to last till the end. We loose track of ourselves. But we don't notice it as our colleagues are no different than us. They too are burdened with the expectations and a false dream that think is theirs. Sitting in the cubicle, the rebel inside us is sentenced to solitary confinement every day. That's why we crave for week-end. To have some time for ourselves, for once have coffee peacefully without any haste of catching the bus to office.
Then we start to wonder if you belong here. If this is what you always wanted. If this was your dream. Answers are always amusing and never firmly affirmative. Some of us remain deluded, some of us really enjoy it while most others get bored. Deluded ones keep working without an iota of resistance. Those who love it, never stop loving it. This is where they belong. Most others always decide to quit next year but decide otherwise every year. More so, when their children are growing up, like father like son is taken a little more seriously and that poor kid is forced to make same mistakes as his ancestors made. He too is made to believe in a dream that his parents believe. And that's a vicious cycle that'll go on and on till 2012.
Long story short, many of us at this very moment are not living their lives their way. Either our dreams are deluded or we don't have dreams at all. If you are bored of what you are doing, this is not what you are supposed to do. Dust the cobwebs off your dream and give an honest try to fulfill it. Then atleast for few moments, you'll live your life.

Great expectations

We often meet strangers in various walks of our lives. We know not their importance when we chat, eat, laugh or at times, weep together. We take them for granted. So much so that their presence is like a table in kitchen. Often gazed upon, frequently used but rarely appreciated. And the feeling is mutual. For them, you too become something like that. May be too obvious. They too start getting bored. And then they meet new people, start living in a new environment. Newness is exciting. But, we aren't willing to accept that. We are so occupied with 'proving' our importance to people that they raise their eyebrows and often get frustrated with our attempts to grab their attention. This, in my opinion, strangles any relation. People are important. Both parties should know that. None can perfectly replace the old and older ones can't always match the freshness of the new. But yet they try, and fail only to feel more miserable.
The problem is we expect a lot. From people, from god, from ourselves, from nature and from everything that we think should behave in a precise way as we wish. We have a bubble of perfect life that we keep pumping our expectations into. We don't like when things don't go our way and that brings distress. Then we dwell on what could have been. But what could have been was only the projection of what we wished to happen.  Often so, what we wish is far from reality. So we imagined something and expected it to happen the way we imagined. More like Phase 1: Imagine, phase 2: ?, Phase 3: Success. The reason for disappointment is lack of a definitive phase 2. Phase 2 can be getting real.
We also lack patience. The driver who's car is stuck, impatiently tries everything to make it run. Others in line honk their horn as every second is important. Sarcastically saying. Everyone puts their priorities at the top and again expect others to give an inch. The problem is everyone in line is doing the same. Expecting and getting impatient when the expectations are not met. Getting distressed. Their children or wife or pet might get a stick when they reach home.
So, spare the frustrations and toss a few expectations in the dustbin. Just saying. I can't expect you to do it, can I?

Social animals

I glanced up after scoring a goal in FIFA11 to see what the professor was teaching. I also glanced around and saw everyone on a blue screen of Facebook. (Yeah, that's catchy because we have a terminology in computers, Blue screen of death). And I thought why do we want to socialize after-all? Everyone was hypnotized, giggling to themselves as they liked it. Some were just browsing around, visiting profiles, stopping occasionally at the ones that had a picture of a pretty looking girl and delving a little deeper if privacy settings allowed so. That was funny. We are social animals and we love society. Or rather I should say, we love attention of the society and yes, social networking had a massive shift in it's paradigm. It's no more a platform to catch up with people who are geographically separated. Instead, it's a platform to show how cool you are. Yes, deny as hard as you can, but you are no different.
A boy, who in real-life strolls around as a macho-man who fears no one, goes home and likes the album "Cutest bunnies" that his love interest / interest has put up. And he finds that he isn't the only one. Infact he's number 21st to like it and 37th to put a comment "wow they are really sweet". Really? Really they are sweet? And then there are people who like to show they are carefree. I happened to follow few people on twitter and all they could tweet were abuses. Everyone's profile description had very selective yet similar high profile english words like enigmatic, eccentric, overly ambitious. Their tweets, however, said otherwise. Very few of them post something that made sense. Others, reek profanity. Indian youth. I can't blame others. I am no different. I too had my moments of social stupidity when I did what others would like and not what I wished. But yes, a few days break gets you closer to yourself. Sometimes, the best way to socialize is to not socialize at all.
We have become too obvious to each other virtually that we have forgotten how special we are to each other in reality. When you call someone, there is no element of surprise as their life is an open (face)book. You can't talk about what you know through and through can you? You make plans to hang out, but aren't you cautious about doing things that'll sound cool when made public? "Just ate with my friends and drank too. Now driving home, drunk. :P (10 likes)" Bleh. "Cops caught us. We bribed them. Bloody corruption.(15 likes)" Ohh, now you notice corruption? "Came home, sneaked in bedroom without getting caught by dad. (17 likes)" "Monsoon started.. watching rain. So cleansing." I'd would rather go out and play football in rain and enjoy myself than sitting glued to the screen awaiting responses. Surfing the internet has become surfing the facebook.
Look, Society, that we try hard to fit in, is a dog who'll eat you when you don't do things that are cool. Rules of what's nice and what's wrong are written by people who are knighted "awesomely cool" by weaker people who don't believe in themselves. They need someone to look-up to. So if their icons of coolness visit Cafe' Coffee Day or buy flip flop from ink-fruit, they HAVE to do the same and put it on facebook to show the world that they too have similar tastes like the others. And the world likes it. Because everyone wants the world to be as they want to see it. If someone goes against it, he's treated like a pariah, a neanderthal in 21st century.
People argue by saying that they get to know what's happening around and yet we see people on national television who don't have a clue of what happened in Ayodhya. I'd say, bother about your life, not other lives that are perfect, virtually. Because, I assure you, people will never put their deadly demons in public. They'll put those lame angels that'll make them 10+ likable. It's a succubus syndrome.
I must have angered a few people who hold facebook dear. Few must have grabbed the word hypocrite and are ready to comment it. I am not a role model but realizations are always good. There's a saying in Zen. "When you are eating, eat." Keep that in mind.
And ohh, if you love your sister, call her. If you get my drift. 

Sorry ass

Here's what I hummed when I saw a year old picture of myself holding my pet,
  'I am about to lose mind, you've been gone for so long, I'm running out of time. I need a doctor, call me a doctor, I need a doctor to bring me back to life.'
And no, I wasn't referring to the dog. I miss my old self more than anything lately. Is it that change is inevitable? Atleast I had ambitions to run after.
Time to do something. It can't be reversed, but can be checked.

Dark night

Where'd you be on a dark night with bright moon? A boat? Yes, perhaps. Fascinating to see water gleaming in moon-light. An occasional ripple created by a fish, or may be a snake is worth a look. It'd be cool to stay underwater wouldn't it?  Naah. Staring at nothingness, your identity is even smaller than nothingness. Not to mention insignificant. Perhaps boat wasn't such a good idea. So how about an eerie parking lot? Moon, stars, a lone electric pole flickering as brightly as a lamp on a windy day and cars to company you. Feeling like breaking a window and vroom away? Yeah, GTA. But no thanks. What if a ghost springs out of a car rear? Ahh.. poor imagination.
Ok. What about a forest? Yes. The best. Been there once. Pitch dark, nothing but stars and rustling wind chilling every bone. Fear of what if an animal attacks? Bless god for a few herbivores. But stars spread like butter on bread. Perhaps the insult of this space is done for the night.

Late goodbye

Summer was never so lonely. Every summer I used to hang out with my lovely sisters, prankster brothers, adorable and cutest ever pet, mum, dad, and dear friends. Not any more. I am growing up and I chose my path. I have a long way to go but I will have to wave goodbye to some wonderful things that I wished never to end.

When I barely started walking, I found 2 friends Aniket and Kaustubh. We grew up together, literally. Every summer we used to make tents, tree-houses, play hide-n-seek and roam around the streets like we owned them. But we parted ways, never to cross each other again as I moved into completely different part of the town. Before leaving India, I visited the same place where I spent my childhood. Stood in front of that big house, staring and remembering all the good times. I don't know how my two friends were. Last I heard, Kaustubh had lost his father to cancer when he was in the middle of his 12th standard exam. If that wasn't enough, he also lost both legs due to calcium deficiency of some sorts. I was sad. But time was running out and I had to wave goodbye. I don't know when we'll meet. I don't even know if we'll recognize each other for we haven't seen each other for 15 years now. But if we do, I'll experience happiness of the greatest magnitude.

New place brought me new friends. And we started our friendship with a huge fight. And just when we thought we could never get along, we became best friends and wreaked havoc in every part of the colony we set our feet into. But then, after 12 wonderful years Sahil left for Mumbai and I was again left feeling why in the world friends are taken away from me? But then the summers became even more awesome as when a friend sees you after many days, you feel like you are born again. So I enjoyed that change. I still don't know the whereabouts of few of my really great friends and I don't think we'll meet again but boy, did I enjoy those days.

In college, I found new and awesome friends. Paarth was a different kind. Calm and collected but humorous. Subhajeet, a genuine, a dumb genius but again a very very good friend, Nakul too, minus the dumb part and then three beautiful girlfriends. Coffee, Ankita and Swarada. Never did I trusted any girl in my life but then I met them. We fought, we watched stars, moon, movies; I miss all of them, but like every good friend in my life, they were again taken away. Some are busy with their lives, rightly so. Some were so close to me that god decided that's enough and separated us, well, forever it seems. Subhajeet pings me saying he misses me and can't wait for my homecoming. And that reminds me how futile my attempts were to think that I can easily live my dream. Every dream comes at a price. Mine seems to be the costliest one.

I don't know when I'll see them. I don't know if they'll be happy when I see them because they'll be having their own pressures, deadlines, no paid holidays and stuff. 

Should I wave a last goodbye? To Aniket and Kaustubh, my first ever friends? To Sahil? who helped me become the fearless prankster I am now? To Paarth, Subhajeet, Dhande who were sensible friends who knew their limits and forced me to stay within mine? To girls? who listened to me no matter how rude I was and yes, a pathetic friend at times? 

But, then how will I live? I can only thank them all for making me strong when I was weak and bringing me down to reality when I was high. And I wish that god never takes away anyone's friends like he did with me. But maybe when you part ways you understand the value of human bonds. I wish he gives me strength to tell each of them face to face that how much they mean to me and not scribble what I feel in this blog. But the ego...

I don't miss any of you anymore as I have a hope that we'll meet someday and when we do...

Happyness and something like that

Yes, sometimes you have a feeling to sit down and ask yourself whether you are happy with what you have right now. I never have that feeling. Somehow I am never happy as, if I remain happy, I fear losing my curiosity. But that doesn't mean I am sad. I am happy, but just not that happy to stay happy forever. I was happy when my first step out of the creepy subway station at the 42nd street in New York landed at Times Square. The enormity made me forget everything almost instantaneously. I was happy when I dined at Serendipity with my close relatives. They made me realize that there are people who'll always be happy to be with you. Then there are friends with whom you just can't be down and sad. But to be honest sometimes, you don't need friends. A break is what you need from all of them. May be you've hurt a few along the way, or maybe you were too obvious to the few. A break from all that is what you need.
It's hard to be selfless though. The only fear you have when you help selflessly is the fear of people misunderstanding your noble deed. And that's when you have to defend yourself against that tide of mistrust. But not knowing what mistrust is, you don't even know what you are defending yourself against. And that further damages everything that you built. But then, god does things for the best. May be all we need sometimes is a lesson. A lesson that brings you down to earth and makes you question your inability to find a new ambition for so long. Then you shake your head and smile. You can feel the cold waters of Niagara slapping your bare face and yet you smile.
Ambitions are really important. It's more like a challenge or may be a goal or may be a destination you try to reach. Having an ambition is important in way because you have a direction to go to. Not like scoring awesome in GRE and getting grades in MS should you stop dreaming big. Yes, you have achieved what you wanted to achieve since 7 years, but would you stop at that? Stop when you still have 6 decades to live? Nah. You have to keep moving, to new places, meeting new people, touching new lives and helping them improve if necessary or learn from them and improve yourself. Life's big and unpredictable. A fortune teller told my mother when I was 7 months old, that I'll suck at education and may not even go beyond high school. In her letter, she mentioned how happy and proud she was to see me living my dreams. Isn't keeping her happy, an ambition? Nothing beats that feeling you have when your biggest critic cries because she's finally proud of you. Just a reminder that there are better things to cherish than gluing broken toys. You grow up. May be someday, you'll grow up so much that everything else will seem futile from the top. All you'll do is keep chasing higher altitudes further obscuring the sight of slums where you came from.
Found a new hobby though. Travelling. Amazing places, people, food, cultures, traditions. United States look much different now.

Nevermind

Wish I was a lonely traveler. Yeah, I was always fascinated by that discovery channel show, Lonely Planet. Where Ian Wright would trek the globe at his will. Europe, Asia, America, Africa and even the icy Antarctica. I used to envy that man as he could taste delicacies of the world, could mix with people whom he never knew before and who'd treat him like a guest with well-mannered hospitality. And then he'd move from a place to another, always with happy memories. May be because they only showed happy ones on the screen, but heck who cares? He enjoyed being a traveler. 

And wouldn't it be fascinating to be one? Just travel, experiencing the cultures around you and not sticking at one location for long. Not letting yourself become too obvious to the people around you. Meeting new people, making new friends but for a short time, leaving them only with happy memories. No broken promises or misplaced sense of trust. No responsibilities or no trespassing over anyone's freedom. No select band of people to be called as your group or nothing that you can claim as yours. Pass and move. Sounds good. You become stagnant when you stay at a place for long. You might fall for someone and get hurt, or you might kill someone who has enraged you or you might kill yourself to get some thrill out of all that regularity around you. Your thoughts become reflection of the people that circle you. Their style unknowingly changes yours. And then you start forgetting who you were and then you have hear Hey, you've changed a lot. Indeed.

Someday, maybe when I'll reach the twilight of my life, I'd like to leave everything and everyone to search myself. May be an icy peak in the Himalayas. Or may be it's just my mystical belief that you can find yourself. 

Not sure what I meant

Summer has come again and cobwebs that settled over memories of the past are dusted away. I get into this hit-by-past mode every summer when I retrospect the summers that I have been part of. Yeah.. Pleasant memories. Of making tree-houses, playing 8-bit video games till the thumb numbed, playing cricket in the evening or perhaps a game of hide-n-seek? The Powerzone on cartoon network and yeah, The Mask, Dexter's Lab and What a cartoon show.. We knew not who Raghu was or that cheap girl on roadies whose mother would be cursing god for giving a child who disgraced all the virtues taught to her. We made Rasna, sipping 1/- Pepsi and enjoying the wafts of heat-beating coolers straight in the face. 

Things were simple back then. Mother was the only woman we loved. We loved our friends and they loved us back. No favors or hidden charges. Kulfi was the only affordable luxury as we didn't dare to ask our parents more than Rs. 2/- Kulfi-wala used to signal his arrival by playing those Akshay Kumar-Shilpa Shettysh type of songs. And our face used to lit up as we licked that half-salty, half-sweet stick. Bliss beyond belief. 

Then started the modernization. Kulfi-wala was shoved aside by the clown, Ronald McDonald and Colonel from Kentuky. A zero was added at a wrong place while pricing our beloved summer delights. We were disappointed but like monkey-see-monkey-do, we gave in to changes happening around us. And hey, these fries aren't that bad. Nor is this bucket of wings.

Yeah... then our feet turned to Cafe' Coffee Day and similar high-end hang out places. Akshay and Shilpa were harmlessly replaced by Bryan Adams and late Britney Spears. And then everything began to reek the odor of Yeah-baby-I-am-getting-modern. Girlfriend and her tantrums.. Mother, where are you? Chaotic the world has become.
Maybe I should stop now. Yeah.. Today, mourn over your glorious past that can only be revisited subconsciously. And be strict on your children. Make them a cup of coffee when they ask money to buy one from Cafe' Coffee Day. And be sure to track them as like father-like son.

Fantasies of twisted mind

Will you die for that woman who gave you birth?
Or will you embrace death for a woman you are married for thirty years?

Do you really mean when you convince your damsel in distress that you'll die for her?
Or do you really mean business when you threaten to kill her, seeing her in arms of someone you despise?

Will you pick peace when god is offering you riches?
Or will you buy peace instead?

Are you willing to die?
Or are you living to die?

Will you remember that school-teacher who taught you values, when he's on his deathbed?
Or will you let him die in solitude?

Will you accept that burning cigarette passed by your colleague when you are damaged beyond repair?
Or will your hand stop short as your conscience has already begun eating you for your act of weakness?

Are you real?
Or are you really imaginary?

A Free-fall
Or rather a base-jump?

Angels fall baby. Angels fall.

Spiraling

The question still looms large and unanswered. What is the meaning of life? Do I know myself? Or do I know what I seek?
Here's a disadvantage of being a clown. You have to smile even when you are broken from inside. You gotta maintain your rep of being happy and carefree. You can't be glum even if your brain is dead or heart is tossed six miles high. Whatever the case you gotta put up a brave face and smile through the teeth. So, where should a clown go when he's sad or down for their glum is always taken as a part of their act and no one really knows how they are feeling from inside? When you cry, they clap for your portrayal of sadness is immaculate. And then you wonder, is there anyone who'd see the glint of pain through all this façade of fake happiness.
Heck. Too much on my plate to eat right now. But I won't eat. How can I eat?
Sigh...  Someday for sure.. Till then, with the moon I run, far from the carnage of fiery sun, as it's coming closer.

Carnival of rust

I warned myself not to blog today. Sunday the 24th of April. A week after my birthday, I got an expected  sucker punch all down to blogging and opening the door to lesser known realms of my twisted mind. Again I stand mourning over a loss with which I'll have to deal single handedly.
 Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!
God damn it. I am ambitious. Perhaps I should do MBA after MS. Mediocrity is what ordinary people are blessed with. Rising above ashes is the game of people who are above ordinary.
I am one of them.

Thank you god. For a sucker punch that woke me up off my lethargy, banality and obscurity.
I am more than this.

Круг

You are born. You open your eyes and see your mother's watery eyes and a proud father looking at you over her shoulders. You start to walk, you start to listen, you start to understand. Then you open your mouth and blabber shit that amuses your parents and they feel out of this world for their child can now speak.

You start running. Then they put you into a school. Teachers then teach you values, teach you to add numbers and how to speak effectively with the help of 26 lettered alphabet. They ask you "What would you become when you grow up?" You spit out words like Engineer, Doctor, Teacher(they look at you proudly), politician(they look at you with disgust), scientist(they look at you what-the-fuckish proudly). In reality you wonder what these words actually mean. You grow and start wearing full-pants in school. Start noticing girls and hating your teachers, schools and everything that deals with education. You fuck up your 10th exam and end up in a mediocre college with people more mediocre than an illegal Bangladeshi immigrant. They smoke, you smoke. They drink, you drink, they play snooker, counter-strike by bunking classes, you follow the suit. Soon your parents discover about your hobbies. Your father slaps you, mother cries and curses god for putting you in her womb. You feel ashamed for a month. But you fuck up your 12th anyway with a hope that you'll excel in engineering entrance exam. 

You fuck that up too. Then your father burning his heels, search for a place in college by bribing officials. You enter a college run by fucked up people and attended by students just as fucked up as you are. You notice a beautiful girl and fall for her. You attend college just to get a glimpse of her. Then you try to talk with her. She being beautiful and a girl, toys with your emotion and by the time you realized how deep your pockets are filled with lovely shit, you pass out of college. As you are not a grade A evil, you start looking for a job to relieve the pressure off your old man. You get one menial job where you are ill-paid. You curse your life. You wish you'd have studied. Then you are offered a girl to complete you as a man. You, being desperate and going bald faster than you thought, giver her your name. She pays you for it. You proudly sit on that horse and with a few banal bollywood songs blaring behind, you feel like you own the world. You go for your honeymoon in Simla or a place which is cooler than the place where you live. You return home and nine months after feel proud, for you are now father of a son.

And then he opens his eyes.

Mother of all Questions

What is the meaning of your life?
The day I will find answer to this question, I'll become truly different. And I am delving deeper into the depths of my heart, marauding the realms of my ideology, peeping into spirituality and pit of my whims to seek what is, for now, out of my reach. I am only 22.

Meaning of Life

You don't turn 22 every day, do you? It was nice, the whole celebration. People, existence of whom was completely oblivious to you a few months ago, gathered to celebrate your existence is a cool thing. It's a reminder that you are not that bad after all. I was glad I didn't dwell on the past and mourn the absence of family, friends and pets back in India. A screwdriver, and two Liquid Cocaine shots makes you forget that and leaves you with a pill to swallow of which every granule makes you a sage who knows the meaning of life. Head-banging to some high-note music after late late night dash at the pub? The size of the pill grows even bigger. And of all crazy things, I thought of god when I was high. Nice.
Visiting temple after eight-nine months was as enlightening as it was an uplifting experience. You can be arrogant but you just have to bow down to the playmaker and yes, you don't mind. Sometimes it's better to tear that shirt with I-am-awesome written on it and bow down to the one wearing Hey-I'm-more-awesome-than-you. Then a dash to an Indian Restaurant reminded me what I was missing. Good old Indian cuisine. Paani-Puri, Paneer, Rass-malai. I now knew what spoilt for choice mean. I was reminded that how grateful I was to have this food everywhere back in India. And how I now despise my teenage attitude of I-am-lovin'-it and why McChicken falls in the category of Junk food.
A funny realization however came out of nowhere. I was, as usual, observing people around me. Half of them were above sixty, spending a quiet respite of a Sunday with their kids and those who followed them in the family hierarchy. Then I saw a bald man with a too-good-for-him wife which just proved why girls are difficult to predict. But he being an NRI and seemingly wealthy, I smiled for myself. And this is where the realization came. I thought, Hey, I am living my dream, doing what I wanted to do since childhood. I have suffered a lot to be at the spot and am I going to just be like one of them? Those who'll earn money, buy a trophy wife, settle in this country where you have automatic doors even at the restroom? Then your kids will have a funny accent and will be called American Born Confused Desis. They'll called football, Soccer. Shit!! More than that life is about finding yourself and I am a firm believer of the philosophy that the one who has found himself never lives in similarity and dies in Obscurity. Funny this, but we don't even know what the meaning of life is. Is it love? Nahh. Not in these days. People whom you love or those who love you expect a lot from you. And you being human can hurt them by not living up to their expectations a few times. Had those expectations been different than buying something flashy for the anniversary or somewhat similar, I'd have believed love exists. Fuck this write up. I have exam tomorrow.

P.S. - I don't know the meaning of life yet. Next time, I swear..

Doped thoughts

Railing on the balcony, feeling the wind as it rustled and brushed his hair, he stood. The height didn't bother him. He was used to heights. But the fall.. Won't that be painful? 'It's fleeting', the pain that death comes with, he reminded himself. Always second best to the one he received at the merciful hands of Life. His lips twitched at the irony. Sometimes it's best to let it go. He braced himself and stood on the railing. Envisioned the fall. Looked up, sneering while he did so, he thanked god for being so kind. And he jumped...
"Why?" God asked, as he stood draped in whites at the gates of heaven. "Why did you do that?"
"I was bored", he replied casually without flinching. God forced a contemplative smile. "So am I.."
The fog disappeared. The golden gate was swapped with a worn out wooden fence. He could smell the tarmac. "He is alive, Thank god!!" someone yelped with a shrill voice. He got up, bloody nose and badly bruised legs were the only remnants of the mighty fall. He dusted his jackets and started walking gingerly.
"How did you survive that fall?" They asked, astonished.
"I never fell. I just failed", he said.

Woof woof!

Another piece of I-miss-you-my-love knowing perfectly well that she ain't going to read it. Barking gingerly, looking confusedly at the new surroundings and of-course, scared of your new master you entered my house. Couldn't find your mommy and brothers and sisters, could you? I felt bad for you but I was too happy to notice anything. You were mine. Born on my birthday. A Perfect birthday gift. I was occupied with the thoughts of convincing mum and dad about keeping you. I conjured up the story, I am good at it. It tickled their kind heart. How could a puppy lying by the roadside be so cute? they thought. "She must be missing her mother", mum said as she held you tightly. I love the way I lie. Sweet lies. Partly because I didn't want them to look at you as an additional burden. I was enough, wasn't I?
I had to teach you everything. Where to sleep, where to poop, where to eat, what to eat, when to eat, when not to bark. And yes, I hated it sometimes as you were very very unmanageable. But I could understand what mum had to go through in raising me. Coffee told me NOT to take you on the bed at nights, just in case you develop the habit and forget that you are a dog. Sorry for not picking you up when you used to cry. Sorry for pulling your tail when you used to sleep at the door of bedroom. But I had to. What if someone trod on you by accident?
Then I taught you how to jump. Bribed you into it, one pedigree grain for every successful jump. People used to watch you in awe. You were too young to start jumping. Everything was awesome. You were a pleasant change for me as somehow I didn't waste my time sitting on computer playing games. I spent a lot of time with you. You used to get up with me at 3 am and used to sleep with me too, crouching under my arms. I used to feel good. You never barked on me or bit me even though I used to lift you up by your tail, pull your ears or clamp your mouth with hands until you choked. Yes, I was cruel but I wanted you to hate me. I wasn't going to be with you, my parents were. I allowed them to treat you like a child. They brought you dresses, they treated you like a princess. Proudly invited people to see their new girl.
You loved them back. Every evening you stood by the door or in the gallery eagerly waiting for them. You madly licked their face when they used to come and you madly dashed from room to room when I used  come back from college. That was true love.
Then the day to leave you came. I was sad for I loved you a little too much. But I was happy that you'd not miss me as my parents started loving you at times more than they loved me. Why wouldn't they? You loved them back. I never showed how much I loved them. I was always rude on the surface as I can't express my love.
But you taught me many things. You made me calm. Playing with you was worth 1000 times more fun than hanging out at the after-college social gatherings . I regret not spending the last birthday with you and instead going at a useless get-together of which I hated every single second. I am sorry. But hey, I did bring you gifts didn't I? Even my close friends came to visit you. Because of you my sister could bring home 2 new dogs. Aunt hated dogs but you were too cute to hate and your presence paved way for not one but two dogs. So, thank you again.

Seeing you daily on skype makes me happy. I love to hear what you do. Love the way my parents are treating you. But I don't know how to thank you for filling my space in that house. Mum would have cried daily if you weren't there. Now she's more worried about you not eating than me not being there. And I don't mind. All we need is love and you are lovely.
I am sad that today I am not there to give you birthday bumps or to take you on the terrace of our building and hold you out to scare you. But yup, I love you. I cry at nights, like I have this tear rolling down my cheek while writing this. People say that you'd have forgotten me by now. But I am damn sure, you'd be missing me too. Soon we shall meet. Can't wait for it. Happy birthday precious. Special you are.

Cries of lonely mind

Quite a respite after a quiet first shift at the job. Summer is signalling it's arrival with piercing rays that seem to get hotter by every day. Soon, the nature will hand over plants it's greenery which was held for ransom. Winter's over. Wrong time to buy jacket perhaps? Heck, I have money and will spend. Atleast I have the dignity to spend it on striped jackets rather than strippers.
I am enjoying the weather sitting quietly at the 6th floor, surveying the things around me for no apparent reason and listening to iPod. It's funny how songs control your mind when it's perfectly still. Every song prompts the mind to enter into a new realm. It wanders with every song, holding hands with the memories that are glued to it. Our mind is a funny thing. It precisely desires things that are or will be dreadful for you. Sinful desires perhaps. I love those sporadic black outs of mind when you simply don't think about anything. Isn't it amazing not to think about anything? No worries, no quarrels with your friends, no Oh-my-god-I-have-to-finish-this-homework, no will-she-say-yes?, nothing at all. May be that's the only time when my mind is truly mine. How fascinating it is that the web of social connections that we make, weave itself so tightly around us that we forget whom it is weaved around. We forget ourselves. Then we tweet, update status and post pictures hoping people will like it, people will comment on it and will have a good laugh. Then we start doing things that'll be worthy of few likes and comments. These social bonds become heavier and heavier and when we see no responses, we grow restless. Put on another status message to see how they react. Delay in response, pops up frustration, anxiety. Should I post the pics of that drunken party? That was some crazy night. And we start spilling the beans just to see if any monkeys eat them. We forget the word privacy. When we were young, we fought with our parents to give us some space. But soon, my space becomes a social stage where we dance like puppets for the amusement of the people in our friend list.
We must control our mind. Have you enjoyed sunset or sunrise recently? or have you heard chirping birds? Walked your dog? Talked with your parents or cousins or the ones with whom you haven't talked for long? Have you gone out for a long drive alone to explore new streets/eateries or just to have a talk with yourself? Or have you just stood still, enjoying the clear sky at night? The moon, Ursa Major, sirius? A 15" screen is a part of your life, not the whole of it.
You live only once. Don't live for comments and likes. If you die tomorrow, you'll still find people to Like it. But very few people to mourn. Think.

Cleaning out my closet - I

Part one of the dream is fulfilled. Have some money to bring parents here for graduation ceremony. Feels awesome as I have finally started repaying their faith. Well, kinda. Still the devil in me doesn't study until he's about to be slain. But I love Chaos and playing with the fire. That's how life has always been with me. Crisis management. Strange though, how pepped up I was before coming here. Complete arrogant, full of swagger and rude. Because finally I was getting back to my old self which was once long lost in the shadow of time. The same old me who used to top every test, who was the darling of teachers, ideal son for many parents and of whom parents were very proud of. Somehow it all got derailed and my glorious dream of being a part of some awesome college for my engineering was shattered. Not that I cared. I was careless, very much so. Parents were heart-broken. Obviously. This wasn't me. Quarreling, complaining, brat, I-won't-listen-to-you type maniac who thought of everything but studies. Glad that I chose a different college where no one knew me. So I was alone, no swagger, no past awesomeness, no arrogance, no great expectations to live up to. A totally different environment. The devil in me couldn't cope up with this newness. How could he? He thrived on my arrogance, my I-am-the-best attitude. So the rebuilding started. Heart ached to see my friends whom I used to beat in every test, were studying in VNIT, IIT and I? Lost fighting my own battles. I couldn't face them. I felt I was nobody. God is great though. Always guided me when I was drowning in negativity, helped me every time when things were near fucked-up-beyond-repair stage. I began to rise. Slowly.
Found great friends, a girl and confidence. GRE was a lesson. I was certain to do awesome. Yet, I failed. I didn't live up to my expectations and mum felt bad again. For the first time, seeing my efforts she was convinced that I'd do well. She was happy to see my old self coming back and yet the exam brought sadness. I wasn't going to give up. For the first time in many years, I felt sad for not keeping my parents happy. Gave up everything for almost a month and scored awesome in the exam. Made mum happy. Really happy. Gained all bits of lost respect. I could now face all the VNIT friends without being overshadowed by what they have done. Life's funny.
From bad kid, I was turning into a good guy. When people said that I am their inspiration, I was like WTF? Really? But, I am bad at handling people. So I couldn't pay attention to those who needed me or those who cared for me. I was flying, the wings of arrogant confidence swept me to the moon. Loved it. And looking back, I feel i should have been humble. I am a good kid, I really am. But I am a Kid. Clown, they say. Who always bring smile to their lips. But being a clown is hard. You can't express your grief. If you do, people think it's just a part of the show that you are running. So when I say, "I am feeling lonely", no one really understands I am lonely. No one ever takes a clown seriously, do they? That hurts. But happy to have settled here and fulfilling a childhood dream for which I struggled, quarreled, fought, cried, laughed and broke the shackles of negativity. Now that I have got the job, I will try to up the tempo. I can play the music, I know. I have my inspirations. Mum, dad, doggy, Grand-dad, that girl and millions of friends. God+
Life is changing. Catalyst is the image in my mirror. The clown. The Joker. The Devil and The Kid.

We'll make you walk alone

Suarez signed and Nando submitted a transfer request. What a day for an LFC fan. I'll not crib at all. No player is bigger than a club. Yes, right now we are rebuilding and yes we can't compete (realistically) for any trophy this season but that doesn't mean a player whom we endeared for 3 years would just walk away when we need him. But, fine. Life has to move on. I'd not like to see a player holding a club for ransom. Even if he's Fernando Torres, Liverpool's number 9. No. Not acceptable. Sad to see how football has changed. Money is all they want. Where is the passion? And Chelsea of all places? An old age home that ruined the likes of Deco, Shevchenko, Ballack?How many homegrown player does Chelsea have? Who's a true blue? Throw some money and the hungry dogs would bite their owners. Playing with the likes Ashley Cole, who betrayed an old man who built him? John Terry? Who cheated his wife and his team-mate? Anelka? Who has played for almost every club in Europe and was sent back from world cup campaign? Do you think Lampard, and Ramires would feed you through-balls? Well, good luck. I used to like you, I still might be liking you but respect that I had for you for all these years is drained out. I won't ask you to stay. We at LFC don't beg people to stay. You wanna go? Go. But remember what happened to Owen.
And Chelsea, better are Man Utd than you lot. In an attempt to buy history, you'll soon become history.  Money talks indeed, but a club who can't win European Cup when their captain has to just hit the ball into the back of the net from 10 yards.... well, the less said the better...
YNWA Torres if you are leaving. If not, let's show Chelsea what Class is.

Goth

First of all, it's awesome to have zero readers. You no more right for them. You write for yourself. Fuck the world. Staying true to oneself is important. There are people who has sacrificed a lot for you and in modern world those people are called your parents. Even your best friend or your love or your followers will jump out of the ship if it starts sinking. Your parents won't. Shame how quickly we forget the debt we owe to them.

Life's dark. Knowledge is power. Earn knowledge. It earns you money. Money can buy everything. 

Damn... Early morning cycling from tomorrow. To win tour de France, you should be willing to ride when no one else is willing to. You should be willing to work when no one else wants to. 

Eric Cartman, wish I had the foul mouth of yours for a day.. Oh, how I'd use it.. I just wonder...

Beefcake!

Mental Clot

Damn life's hectic. Get up, go for work in chilly weather, work like an intellectual ass for 8-10 hours, listen to his rants the whole day even when he isn't criticizing you, come back home tired, try to study and fall asleep.
Repeat the same all over again. College's about to start so everything that was hectic is bound to get WTF Hectic. Not that I am complaining. I don't have time to complain. But it's nice to be busy. It's nice to be busy and mind your own goddamn business than looking at mediocrity around you and fall prey to it. Same lame loud songs will be played, same cheap jokes will be cracked and you'll be criticized for either supporting Liverpool or  attempting to study when the semester has just begun. In either case, I raise my middle finger to acknowledge the    naysayers. People argue, aren't you in US to make money? Sure, but I'm not going to sell amway products and become a social outcast. There's a limit to everything. But stubborn people won't give a damn. Money is power and money changes people. Fuck these pricks. I am glad to have handful of people around me to look up to and say, wow. Here's the real deal. Looking at them and their tireless attempts to gain knowledge to really master their field, I get inspiration. God bless thee. Gotta work harder this semester. Interns beckon if I am awesome in my attempts to grab hold of one.
Bring on next semester.

P.S. - I love you. Unconditionally. I know you know it. And I hope you respect it. I am not just another guy  you know.

No Title. Seriously.

Working for a Gujju guy who considers himself American and acts like one too, is pain. Not exact pain. I get paid. On top of that, I have a very thick head. Insults just can't breach it's coat unless, of-course, I let them in. So this guy, whom I am quite grateful for giving me a job, keep hurling insults at his customers. Specially the Indian ones. Calls them "Chutya". Tells me how they keep asking stupid questions over the phone, answers to which are unfathomable to both the parties engaged in conversation, in my opinion. Russel Peters was right. Terrorists hate Americans. Indians hate each other. He keeps saying how I should Not go back to India and make a living here. Mate, you are a living proof why I shouldn't be in this alienated country which makes you forget who you really were. Money isn't everything.
India is heaven. Period.
Tomorrow, should be the final nail in the coffin. I just have had it. Loss after loss after loss after loss. This is not taking LFC anywhere. It's gone from bad to Hodgson and it just doesn't feel right. A guy yesterday saw my LFC scarf. Said, who in his right mind would follow Liverpool.
Someone who prefers sleeping with his wife and not prostitutes.
Liverpool for Life.

Tired.

P.S. - Dark Knight is just way to awesome. Everytime it's new. RIP Ledger.

Smoke and Vents

This is boring. Argh... the pain. Why am I here? Why? I mean, 1380 could have brought me much better than this. Last thing I needed was lack of seriousness in my approach in studies. Loads depend on the surrounding you choose to live in. If it's lethargic, you become a snail. If it's lively, or atleast heading in the right direction, you become something more than what you were right now. The more you see time-wasters, the more time you waste. The more time you smoke the pot procrastination, the more you get high on uselessness. You reach new levels of lethargy day by day. When the smoke clears, you have an epiphany that you've been just fucked  by yourself. Arghh.. Why did I waste my time? Never, ever, watch people wasting time. It takes loads of determination to go against the tide. Argh.....

Must do what others don't. Period.

Kick Off

Here I stand in the middle of a lush green field, wearing a brand new kit, eager to kick the ball.
2010 is a passe. 2011 will bring new hope, new highs, new disappointments, new friends, new challenges, new enemies, new lessons and new outlook on life.
Old bonds remain the same and stronger than ever they stay.
Thank you god.


2011, I am yours.