Cleaning out my closet - I

Part one of the dream is fulfilled. Have some money to bring parents here for graduation ceremony. Feels awesome as I have finally started repaying their faith. Well, kinda. Still the devil in me doesn't study until he's about to be slain. But I love Chaos and playing with the fire. That's how life has always been with me. Crisis management. Strange though, how pepped up I was before coming here. Complete arrogant, full of swagger and rude. Because finally I was getting back to my old self which was once long lost in the shadow of time. The same old me who used to top every test, who was the darling of teachers, ideal son for many parents and of whom parents were very proud of. Somehow it all got derailed and my glorious dream of being a part of some awesome college for my engineering was shattered. Not that I cared. I was careless, very much so. Parents were heart-broken. Obviously. This wasn't me. Quarreling, complaining, brat, I-won't-listen-to-you type maniac who thought of everything but studies. Glad that I chose a different college where no one knew me. So I was alone, no swagger, no past awesomeness, no arrogance, no great expectations to live up to. A totally different environment. The devil in me couldn't cope up with this newness. How could he? He thrived on my arrogance, my I-am-the-best attitude. So the rebuilding started. Heart ached to see my friends whom I used to beat in every test, were studying in VNIT, IIT and I? Lost fighting my own battles. I couldn't face them. I felt I was nobody. God is great though. Always guided me when I was drowning in negativity, helped me every time when things were near fucked-up-beyond-repair stage. I began to rise. Slowly.
Found great friends, a girl and confidence. GRE was a lesson. I was certain to do awesome. Yet, I failed. I didn't live up to my expectations and mum felt bad again. For the first time, seeing my efforts she was convinced that I'd do well. She was happy to see my old self coming back and yet the exam brought sadness. I wasn't going to give up. For the first time in many years, I felt sad for not keeping my parents happy. Gave up everything for almost a month and scored awesome in the exam. Made mum happy. Really happy. Gained all bits of lost respect. I could now face all the VNIT friends without being overshadowed by what they have done. Life's funny.
From bad kid, I was turning into a good guy. When people said that I am their inspiration, I was like WTF? Really? But, I am bad at handling people. So I couldn't pay attention to those who needed me or those who cared for me. I was flying, the wings of arrogant confidence swept me to the moon. Loved it. And looking back, I feel i should have been humble. I am a good kid, I really am. But I am a Kid. Clown, they say. Who always bring smile to their lips. But being a clown is hard. You can't express your grief. If you do, people think it's just a part of the show that you are running. So when I say, "I am feeling lonely", no one really understands I am lonely. No one ever takes a clown seriously, do they? That hurts. But happy to have settled here and fulfilling a childhood dream for which I struggled, quarreled, fought, cried, laughed and broke the shackles of negativity. Now that I have got the job, I will try to up the tempo. I can play the music, I know. I have my inspirations. Mum, dad, doggy, Grand-dad, that girl and millions of friends. God+
Life is changing. Catalyst is the image in my mirror. The clown. The Joker. The Devil and The Kid.