An erratic fruit punch

Life's complicated. Or may be I am just plain stupid to understand it. I am doing Masters and yet I am not master of anything. Sometimes I wonder why am I doing it? I always wanted to go for higher education and be ahead of the curve. Now when I am living my dream I question my motives behind having this dream at the first place. And it appears that my motives are as selfish as the three lines written so far that have an 'I' just shy of a dozen.

While my parents are proud of the fact that their only son is doing good in a territory that wasn't touched by anyone in the family tree so far, I feel bad because I am learning for myself and I'm earning for myself. Should I do charity and feel good? I did that on traffic signals in India, shelling Rs. 10 when others gave 1 rupee to beggars who were struggling for a day's meal. Yes, it's foolishly romantic but eating cheese and bananas at will at any time of the day while many people in my country struggle to get a one-time meal just doesn't feel right. And yes, I am making very little sense. 

When my friends and I will visit India in December, we'll be treated as heros who just returned from war, victorious. The society does't know the finer details. I know few of my friends will flaunt about their Americanized way of living and feel good about the oohs and aahhs showered by astonished social circle of theirs. I know few friends who'll begin every sentence with 'In America..' followed by futile comparison with the motherland. They'll also try to sound sophisticated ans well mannered using their broken English at the parties hosted for their return. It just feels so plastic. 

How can such people look at themselves in the mirror without feeling that they are kidding themselves? How can you pose as a specimen of successful man when you've referenced your way to your achievements(?). Poor uncle who just congratulated you didn't know you begged for your 'success' to someone who merely passed it on to you. And that your 'success' isn't really earned. I have nothing against few good people who use this chance to improve themselves and really make it worth. Late, yes, but finally they deserve it. But I feel sad for people who rely just on the launchpad of connections and feel they can cheat  hard work. I don't hate these people but I hate the human psych of showing-off. And I hate the Indian psych of showing off what they don't deserve. 

I plan to visit my school and contribute a little in it's centenary celebrations. I also plan to travel with my friends and family. In trains and buses because what I miss about India is it's people. Then I have a wedding to attend. I wish the world ends in 2012. And I hate myself for writing so erratic.