Sorry ass

Here's what I hummed when I saw a year old picture of myself holding my pet,
  'I am about to lose mind, you've been gone for so long, I'm running out of time. I need a doctor, call me a doctor, I need a doctor to bring me back to life.'
And no, I wasn't referring to the dog. I miss my old self more than anything lately. Is it that change is inevitable? Atleast I had ambitions to run after.
Time to do something. It can't be reversed, but can be checked.

Dark night

Where'd you be on a dark night with bright moon? A boat? Yes, perhaps. Fascinating to see water gleaming in moon-light. An occasional ripple created by a fish, or may be a snake is worth a look. It'd be cool to stay underwater wouldn't it?  Naah. Staring at nothingness, your identity is even smaller than nothingness. Not to mention insignificant. Perhaps boat wasn't such a good idea. So how about an eerie parking lot? Moon, stars, a lone electric pole flickering as brightly as a lamp on a windy day and cars to company you. Feeling like breaking a window and vroom away? Yeah, GTA. But no thanks. What if a ghost springs out of a car rear? Ahh.. poor imagination.
Ok. What about a forest? Yes. The best. Been there once. Pitch dark, nothing but stars and rustling wind chilling every bone. Fear of what if an animal attacks? Bless god for a few herbivores. But stars spread like butter on bread. Perhaps the insult of this space is done for the night.

Late goodbye

Summer was never so lonely. Every summer I used to hang out with my lovely sisters, prankster brothers, adorable and cutest ever pet, mum, dad, and dear friends. Not any more. I am growing up and I chose my path. I have a long way to go but I will have to wave goodbye to some wonderful things that I wished never to end.

When I barely started walking, I found 2 friends Aniket and Kaustubh. We grew up together, literally. Every summer we used to make tents, tree-houses, play hide-n-seek and roam around the streets like we owned them. But we parted ways, never to cross each other again as I moved into completely different part of the town. Before leaving India, I visited the same place where I spent my childhood. Stood in front of that big house, staring and remembering all the good times. I don't know how my two friends were. Last I heard, Kaustubh had lost his father to cancer when he was in the middle of his 12th standard exam. If that wasn't enough, he also lost both legs due to calcium deficiency of some sorts. I was sad. But time was running out and I had to wave goodbye. I don't know when we'll meet. I don't even know if we'll recognize each other for we haven't seen each other for 15 years now. But if we do, I'll experience happiness of the greatest magnitude.

New place brought me new friends. And we started our friendship with a huge fight. And just when we thought we could never get along, we became best friends and wreaked havoc in every part of the colony we set our feet into. But then, after 12 wonderful years Sahil left for Mumbai and I was again left feeling why in the world friends are taken away from me? But then the summers became even more awesome as when a friend sees you after many days, you feel like you are born again. So I enjoyed that change. I still don't know the whereabouts of few of my really great friends and I don't think we'll meet again but boy, did I enjoy those days.

In college, I found new and awesome friends. Paarth was a different kind. Calm and collected but humorous. Subhajeet, a genuine, a dumb genius but again a very very good friend, Nakul too, minus the dumb part and then three beautiful girlfriends. Coffee, Ankita and Swarada. Never did I trusted any girl in my life but then I met them. We fought, we watched stars, moon, movies; I miss all of them, but like every good friend in my life, they were again taken away. Some are busy with their lives, rightly so. Some were so close to me that god decided that's enough and separated us, well, forever it seems. Subhajeet pings me saying he misses me and can't wait for my homecoming. And that reminds me how futile my attempts were to think that I can easily live my dream. Every dream comes at a price. Mine seems to be the costliest one.

I don't know when I'll see them. I don't know if they'll be happy when I see them because they'll be having their own pressures, deadlines, no paid holidays and stuff. 

Should I wave a last goodbye? To Aniket and Kaustubh, my first ever friends? To Sahil? who helped me become the fearless prankster I am now? To Paarth, Subhajeet, Dhande who were sensible friends who knew their limits and forced me to stay within mine? To girls? who listened to me no matter how rude I was and yes, a pathetic friend at times? 

But, then how will I live? I can only thank them all for making me strong when I was weak and bringing me down to reality when I was high. And I wish that god never takes away anyone's friends like he did with me. But maybe when you part ways you understand the value of human bonds. I wish he gives me strength to tell each of them face to face that how much they mean to me and not scribble what I feel in this blog. But the ego...

I don't miss any of you anymore as I have a hope that we'll meet someday and when we do...

Happyness and something like that

Yes, sometimes you have a feeling to sit down and ask yourself whether you are happy with what you have right now. I never have that feeling. Somehow I am never happy as, if I remain happy, I fear losing my curiosity. But that doesn't mean I am sad. I am happy, but just not that happy to stay happy forever. I was happy when my first step out of the creepy subway station at the 42nd street in New York landed at Times Square. The enormity made me forget everything almost instantaneously. I was happy when I dined at Serendipity with my close relatives. They made me realize that there are people who'll always be happy to be with you. Then there are friends with whom you just can't be down and sad. But to be honest sometimes, you don't need friends. A break is what you need from all of them. May be you've hurt a few along the way, or maybe you were too obvious to the few. A break from all that is what you need.
It's hard to be selfless though. The only fear you have when you help selflessly is the fear of people misunderstanding your noble deed. And that's when you have to defend yourself against that tide of mistrust. But not knowing what mistrust is, you don't even know what you are defending yourself against. And that further damages everything that you built. But then, god does things for the best. May be all we need sometimes is a lesson. A lesson that brings you down to earth and makes you question your inability to find a new ambition for so long. Then you shake your head and smile. You can feel the cold waters of Niagara slapping your bare face and yet you smile.
Ambitions are really important. It's more like a challenge or may be a goal or may be a destination you try to reach. Having an ambition is important in way because you have a direction to go to. Not like scoring awesome in GRE and getting grades in MS should you stop dreaming big. Yes, you have achieved what you wanted to achieve since 7 years, but would you stop at that? Stop when you still have 6 decades to live? Nah. You have to keep moving, to new places, meeting new people, touching new lives and helping them improve if necessary or learn from them and improve yourself. Life's big and unpredictable. A fortune teller told my mother when I was 7 months old, that I'll suck at education and may not even go beyond high school. In her letter, she mentioned how happy and proud she was to see me living my dreams. Isn't keeping her happy, an ambition? Nothing beats that feeling you have when your biggest critic cries because she's finally proud of you. Just a reminder that there are better things to cherish than gluing broken toys. You grow up. May be someday, you'll grow up so much that everything else will seem futile from the top. All you'll do is keep chasing higher altitudes further obscuring the sight of slums where you came from.
Found a new hobby though. Travelling. Amazing places, people, food, cultures, traditions. United States look much different now.