Summer ended, theoretically. Heat is still hot and ground is still dry with a few exceptions of light drizzles that are soaked up before hitting the ground. Typical Texan summer, long and hard. Since I had taken two courses, I could never really enjoy the 'holidays'. Or did I not? New York, Washington DC, Niagara, Austin, San Antonio, Camping trip, Barcelona game and finally Six Flags over Texas concluded my summer. New York was where I always wished to be, DC just happened, Niagara is a beauty to behold, Austin is hip, while San Antonio is romantic and not a place to visit with 8 boys. The camping trip was a soothing experience. We drank, swam in lake, slept on the rocks watching shooting stars and as for the Barcelona game, I ticked one of the many things in my things to do before I die list. There are very few joys that are more joyful to a football fan than watching a live football game. Six Flags over Texas was a thrilling experience. We rode on every roller coaster thrice or more and while riding you can see your fear die. When you raise your arms when your coaster is doing swirls at 90 miles an hour you don't think about the excess of cheese in your fridge. That pull in your stomach when you take a nosedive from 200 feet Titan makes you sweat and that's fear for you. But you don't stop. It's irresistible so you challenge your fear again and eventually conquer it.
Baah! I enjoyed summer. I did lose one of my best friend in an accident but life goes on. I will miss her. But right now Fall 2011 is what I have to deal with. It's easy to study when good people are around you. When they'll be gone, I'll be left with indecisive people who do everything with a selfish motive behind, people who'll dribble in indoor football to show off their skills rather than passing someone with an open goal at his mercy, guys who'll bitch about other guys for every small thing that they dislike, people who lack understanding, a girl who'll call only when she needs me. Sigh! But after every fall, there's a summer.
P.S. - Lesser the people around you, the better. Choose friends wisely, live well.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Ankita
Dear Ankita, you were one of my really really good friend and words fail me to express my loss. You left us too soon and too abrupt. So all of us are trying our level best to deal with this bolt from the blue. You always cared for each one of us, helped us in our difficulties, listened to us when we kept talking. I have seen death many a times but never really was scared like I am now. You left a gaping hole in our lives. You always said that people take you for granted and they always neglect your care. Few people forgot how you helped them in every walk of their lives and unknowingly made them who they were. I pity them. They could never understand your worth and me like few others are happy to have one friend like you than hundred posers around us. You taught me the value of friendship and now I can't thank you by saying so.
I have been seeing your name in my gtalk list hoping that you'd ping me and ask how am I doing. A part in me died today. I now hope we all learn how valuable friends are and how not to take them for granted.
You'll always be remembered. And as you knew, I can't cry. I'll move on like you said and I'll follow my goals. I cherished every moment spent with you my friend. May god give your family the strength to deal with this loss. And may your soul rest in peace. You'll always be in my heart and thousand others for that matter.
I have been seeing your name in my gtalk list hoping that you'd ping me and ask how am I doing. A part in me died today. I now hope we all learn how valuable friends are and how not to take them for granted.
You'll always be remembered. And as you knew, I can't cry. I'll move on like you said and I'll follow my goals. I cherished every moment spent with you my friend. May god give your family the strength to deal with this loss. And may your soul rest in peace. You'll always be in my heart and thousand others for that matter.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Decline
Since many days I wished to write something that'd make sense. It's been a year doing M.S. and I am watching the new flock of students arrive everyday with an eye of an old, wise man. So every act of naivety performed by them is met by severe criticism. Inside my head ofcourse. But sometimes I feel who am I to judge people? Someone must have been disappointed in me too. People grow up over the course of time. They will too. They'll start finding their ways around difficulties, if not meeting them head on. Girls will learn to wield their power of being a girl as they'll be picked up for social events, lifted their luggage by and done their assignments in time by boys who just can't live their life without them. Life goes on.
I miss wise friends around me like old days. There was always something new to learn from them or atleast an inspiration to do something new and good. I am tired of this plastic reality where how many contacts you make has more importance than what you actually learn and should deserve. Learning has taken back seat and knowledge is a broken toy that people don't play with these days. Fortunately there are a few people whose lives inspire me to study but thousands outweigh the few sometimes.
Right now there's a girl in my house, an Indian girl who just arrived in USA for her Masters is talking to her friend in loud pitch, fast paced, accent fueled English. Indians still think that talking in English in front of another Indian is the best way to show how civilized they are. Absolute rubbish gossip filled with "You know", "ummm", "awwww", "Cute", "dollors" and stuff that she thinks would make her look cool in our eyes rather than what she wish to talk. Bahh. Who cares?
Inner peace. I'll write something good soon. I so badly wants to.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Expressing love
Thank you mother, for pushing me towards my goals. I hated you a lot for that. But I'm thankful to you in every possible way I can think of. You changed me and kept me grounded. Today, when I saw you, I was crying from inside because I could never express how much I love you because of my ego. I am doing this for you. My dreams are yours mother.
Thank you grandpa, for all those nice bedtime stories and looking after me when I was a kid. Teaching me values, virtues and punctuality. I miss you, old man.
Thank you father, for listening to me and believing in me. You always took my side when mother and I used to quarrel, acted like a pacifier for me. I miss you and I love you.
Thank you Shubhra, for taking my place in the family. My mother would not have been able to live without me if you weren't there to fill the void. She always wanted a daughter and in you, she found one. I don't mind. You express your love for them by jumping around them when they come home from office. You sit beside them when they are sad. You listen to them, you make them happy. Something my ego never allowed me to do.
I was not heartless then, nor I am now. I just don't know how to express love. Today, I feel terrible for all the foolish arrogance and troubles I have caused you so far. I changed and made some wrong choices in life that hurt you all. Mother, you missed and cried for the loss of that old, sweet me who always smiled and never complained, who was brilliant and knew what his goals and ambitions were since kindergarten. I regret those three years of my life which forced me to take decisions I never wished to take. I am sorry that you had to sacrifice a lot for me. I am repaying your faith in me, little by little. I love when you smile and feel proud of me now. I wish I never changed, but then I'd have never known how valuable woman you are to me.
I still can't finish reading the letter you sent me on mother's day. After reading the first page, my eyes get foggy and heart too numb to beat.
Thank you grandpa, for all those nice bedtime stories and looking after me when I was a kid. Teaching me values, virtues and punctuality. I miss you, old man.
Thank you father, for listening to me and believing in me. You always took my side when mother and I used to quarrel, acted like a pacifier for me. I miss you and I love you.
Thank you Shubhra, for taking my place in the family. My mother would not have been able to live without me if you weren't there to fill the void. She always wanted a daughter and in you, she found one. I don't mind. You express your love for them by jumping around them when they come home from office. You sit beside them when they are sad. You listen to them, you make them happy. Something my ego never allowed me to do.
I was not heartless then, nor I am now. I just don't know how to express love. Today, I feel terrible for all the foolish arrogance and troubles I have caused you so far. I changed and made some wrong choices in life that hurt you all. Mother, you missed and cried for the loss of that old, sweet me who always smiled and never complained, who was brilliant and knew what his goals and ambitions were since kindergarten. I regret those three years of my life which forced me to take decisions I never wished to take. I am sorry that you had to sacrifice a lot for me. I am repaying your faith in me, little by little. I love when you smile and feel proud of me now. I wish I never changed, but then I'd have never known how valuable woman you are to me.
I still can't finish reading the letter you sent me on mother's day. After reading the first page, my eyes get foggy and heart too numb to beat.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
A year in United States
The Start:
One year ago, on August 4th, I landed in United States to pursue my Masters. I wasn't the only one, thousands did. I was atleast with one of my good friend. They say everything is big in Texas. Yeah, everything was fucking big. Enormous roads, cars, the green fields, the cowboy stadium. Frantically trying to capture every new thing that passed me on my way to University, I was hit by one thing, patriotism of American people. There were huge flags of United States and Texas flying gracefully atop buildings and with clear sky in frame, they looked majestic. I remembered our treatment of our flags on 16th August and 27th January. But I dropped the idea to criticize Indians further as they welcomed me with open arms, taught me tricks and trades to survive in U.S. and gave important guidelines and that pretty much was the kickoff.
It was disappointing start though. It all looked dull as I missed my family, friends, dog and the girl. But sooner the worries of finding a job to stop leeching out loans from SBI which will stop them leeching my parents' hard earned money began to surface. Finding a job isn't easy in U.S. You need reference, someone to talk to the HR manager about you. For reference you need to lick some butt or have a sex changed to girl. All I had was my ego and the idea of asking someone for 'help' was too ridiculous for it. So I kept searching, at times getting very close only to fall flat and admire the wonders of disappointment. I screwed up my grades, B in all subjects. Agreed that two of them were not important and being so, I never studied for them. But the one I slogged for, professor changed it from A to B. His whims. I didn't feel bad. On the contrary, I was glad that I learned something. Actually learned. That helped me in preparing for my next job's take-home exam. It was tough and I didn't clear it but I tried so hard that it made me happy. You know that "Journey to destination is the happyness" and shit? Yeah, that. Then I decided to work offcampus. I needed money as I couldn't stand the concept of 'Loans'. So I worked in snow, blizzard, under a horrible boss (but a kind man) and then I was called for an interview.
The Interview:
I dashed to my home to take a shower, shoveled a gumstick in my mouth and sprayed Axe all over my body to look good. I sat in my future employer's office, facing him not knowing which is the position I've applied for and what is this interview about. Yeah, I was that clueless. He surveyed me and asked a few questions. I answered them. He asked me if I had brought my resume'. No was my reply and he then lectured me for half an hour on how to be a professional and act like one. He was disappointed in my less than professional approach. I swallowed disappointment of rejection and resumed normal routine. I was rejected not because I didn't know my stuff. I was ejected as I was too casual and cool for an interview. But, after a few days he called me again. I sat in office, now knowing what that interview will be about. He asked me if there was going to be any change in my answers that I gave last time. No was my reply. He was less than impressed and asked, "What did you learn from the last interview then?" "Well, I have my resume' now." He took me upstairs and gave me the job. My tuition fee is now halved and I earn $1300 a month. Was I lucky, yes. But did I try? More than most as I didn't beg anyone for reference. My ego lived happily. And the smile in mother's eyes was worth more than any riches.
The Trip:
On my birthday, no one called me but one of my good friend. Well, she and I then didn't speak for two months then. I did something that I didn't mean to, atleast so soon. She being a girl acted like one and threw me out of her world like we throw an over-chewed boomer gum. So I needed a break from all that lousy ass soap opera going in my head to convince the angry lady, sing a song for her and make yourself appear stupid and desperate. My aunt, sister, mama and my bhabhi-to-be were going to visit my brother in New York. I seized my chance and boarded a one way plane to NYC. My first step was in Times Square and I forgot every worries of mortal world. I enjoyed every moment of that trip. After New York, Washington DC and finally a soul stirring experience at the Niagara. When the cold water of Niagara slapped my face, I was reminded that life doesn't revolve around people, it revolves around you. No, this is not what I thought when I was standing under the fall. I was blank for five full minutes, no external sound could penetrate my state of mind. I was with myself, alone. And that was bliss. I changed when I returned from the trip. I no longer save money. I spend it on anything I like. I have developed a fetish for travelling. And I no longer see U.S. as a place to study, earn and go back to India and wield your NRI tag in front of drooling girls and their moms. I am a tourist now. Someone I always wanted to be.
The now:
I patched up with my friend but lost a chunk of charm in our friendship. But that taught me a lesson. You can't always care too much for people. Even if you are absent from their lives, they seek refuge under someone else. I then went out on camping trips. Drank beer and usually people dance after drinking, I watched shooting stars with few really good people who are different, just like my friends in college and colony. Everyone has something to teach you and I admire them, respect them. Sure, with a girl spotting the shooting stars by lakeside would be a lover's dream but with good people, you talk about ambitions. Again the next weekend I explored San Antonio and Austin and reaffirmed my belief that U.S. = Texas + whatever. I changed. I get awesome grades but I know how meaningless they are. I now learn for I enjoy it. I am now a calm person who enjoys a lot but doesn't give two squirts of shit about what happened in the past. People who stayed with me are free to do the same, people who left me are free to continue their journey without me. Help, as Dumbledore said, will be given to those who deserve it. But I won't beg anyone to let me help them in their troubles. No more Mr. Nice guy. Only Mr. Tourist.
One year ago, on August 4th, I landed in United States to pursue my Masters. I wasn't the only one, thousands did. I was atleast with one of my good friend. They say everything is big in Texas. Yeah, everything was fucking big. Enormous roads, cars, the green fields, the cowboy stadium. Frantically trying to capture every new thing that passed me on my way to University, I was hit by one thing, patriotism of American people. There were huge flags of United States and Texas flying gracefully atop buildings and with clear sky in frame, they looked majestic. I remembered our treatment of our flags on 16th August and 27th January. But I dropped the idea to criticize Indians further as they welcomed me with open arms, taught me tricks and trades to survive in U.S. and gave important guidelines and that pretty much was the kickoff.
It was disappointing start though. It all looked dull as I missed my family, friends, dog and the girl. But sooner the worries of finding a job to stop leeching out loans from SBI which will stop them leeching my parents' hard earned money began to surface. Finding a job isn't easy in U.S. You need reference, someone to talk to the HR manager about you. For reference you need to lick some butt or have a sex changed to girl. All I had was my ego and the idea of asking someone for 'help' was too ridiculous for it. So I kept searching, at times getting very close only to fall flat and admire the wonders of disappointment. I screwed up my grades, B in all subjects. Agreed that two of them were not important and being so, I never studied for them. But the one I slogged for, professor changed it from A to B. His whims. I didn't feel bad. On the contrary, I was glad that I learned something. Actually learned. That helped me in preparing for my next job's take-home exam. It was tough and I didn't clear it but I tried so hard that it made me happy. You know that "Journey to destination is the happyness" and shit? Yeah, that. Then I decided to work offcampus. I needed money as I couldn't stand the concept of 'Loans'. So I worked in snow, blizzard, under a horrible boss (but a kind man) and then I was called for an interview.
The Interview:
I dashed to my home to take a shower, shoveled a gumstick in my mouth and sprayed Axe all over my body to look good. I sat in my future employer's office, facing him not knowing which is the position I've applied for and what is this interview about. Yeah, I was that clueless. He surveyed me and asked a few questions. I answered them. He asked me if I had brought my resume'. No was my reply and he then lectured me for half an hour on how to be a professional and act like one. He was disappointed in my less than professional approach. I swallowed disappointment of rejection and resumed normal routine. I was rejected not because I didn't know my stuff. I was ejected as I was too casual and cool for an interview. But, after a few days he called me again. I sat in office, now knowing what that interview will be about. He asked me if there was going to be any change in my answers that I gave last time. No was my reply. He was less than impressed and asked, "What did you learn from the last interview then?" "Well, I have my resume' now." He took me upstairs and gave me the job. My tuition fee is now halved and I earn $1300 a month. Was I lucky, yes. But did I try? More than most as I didn't beg anyone for reference. My ego lived happily. And the smile in mother's eyes was worth more than any riches.
The Trip:
On my birthday, no one called me but one of my good friend. Well, she and I then didn't speak for two months then. I did something that I didn't mean to, atleast so soon. She being a girl acted like one and threw me out of her world like we throw an over-chewed boomer gum. So I needed a break from all that lousy ass soap opera going in my head to convince the angry lady, sing a song for her and make yourself appear stupid and desperate. My aunt, sister, mama and my bhabhi-to-be were going to visit my brother in New York. I seized my chance and boarded a one way plane to NYC. My first step was in Times Square and I forgot every worries of mortal world. I enjoyed every moment of that trip. After New York, Washington DC and finally a soul stirring experience at the Niagara. When the cold water of Niagara slapped my face, I was reminded that life doesn't revolve around people, it revolves around you. No, this is not what I thought when I was standing under the fall. I was blank for five full minutes, no external sound could penetrate my state of mind. I was with myself, alone. And that was bliss. I changed when I returned from the trip. I no longer save money. I spend it on anything I like. I have developed a fetish for travelling. And I no longer see U.S. as a place to study, earn and go back to India and wield your NRI tag in front of drooling girls and their moms. I am a tourist now. Someone I always wanted to be.
The now:
I patched up with my friend but lost a chunk of charm in our friendship. But that taught me a lesson. You can't always care too much for people. Even if you are absent from their lives, they seek refuge under someone else. I then went out on camping trips. Drank beer and usually people dance after drinking, I watched shooting stars with few really good people who are different, just like my friends in college and colony. Everyone has something to teach you and I admire them, respect them. Sure, with a girl spotting the shooting stars by lakeside would be a lover's dream but with good people, you talk about ambitions. Again the next weekend I explored San Antonio and Austin and reaffirmed my belief that U.S. = Texas + whatever. I changed. I get awesome grades but I know how meaningless they are. I now learn for I enjoy it. I am now a calm person who enjoys a lot but doesn't give two squirts of shit about what happened in the past. People who stayed with me are free to do the same, people who left me are free to continue their journey without me. Help, as Dumbledore said, will be given to those who deserve it. But I won't beg anyone to let me help them in their troubles. No more Mr. Nice guy. Only Mr. Tourist.
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